I am not sure what I am going to do with my summer. I have just one class and it is online, so not too terribly time consuming I hope. The kids are super busy. I have made no plans for myself.
I borrowed some books about a girl named Sookie Stackhouse from a friend. These are the basis for a cable-tv show called True Blood. I have only finished the first three, but they are decent reading. I have a bunch of class reading to do, too. I am hoping to get a good bit more fun-time reading done. But I find it hard to concentrate lately. I think school has overdone me a bit; so when I pick up a book and read the back, I wonder why I ever got it to begin with. Nothing seems interesting.
I saw the new Star Trek movie recently. It was the most awesome piece of film I have seen in ages. It was completely made of win and chocolate. I had thought I wanted to see a bunch of movies this summer, but the more I look at the titles and descriptions, the more I am disinterested. I still want to see Up and Harry Potter 6, but almost everything else I thought I was interested in seems dull and dumb. Maybe because the Star Trek movie was so great and I am afraid anything else will disappoint. Maybe because I saw the Wolverine movie and it did disappoint, so I think most others will too. I don’t know why, I just know I don’t really feel like it anymore.
After all that with my father being sick and almost dying, I just can’t get back into a groove. I feel more awkward writing my posts here. I feel less into reading and less into movies. I don’t want to bother with the class I have to get into in a day or two. I feel really detached from my father now too. I was really prepared for him to go. I had talked myself through the whole thing while spending hours traveling to Louisiana. Then, he got better. And I was really glad and relieved and thankful. And then, he started acting like an ass. I remembered all the reasons why I don’t want to visit them and why I don’t live near them and why I had to start a freaking blog to sort out my childhood anyway. And then I really wanted to come home. Since then, I have felt wrong. Not terrible, not sick, not guilty, not a lot of stuff, but also not right. I just feel out of sorts. I am not sure if it relates to the situation with my father or not. The timing could be coincidental. I have to think on it.
It is getting harder for me to do the blog. My childhood parts are done. My adulthood parts are mostly still waiting. My childhood was something that happened to me. My adulthood though, that is somehting I did. I do want to keep writing and working this stuff out. But, I am not sure how to do anymore. It isn’t as easy to relegate my adulthood to “places I have lived”. So much of it is stuff I did and when I did it and why. Even the current day posts are getting to feel a bit odd. I feel pretty damned boring and that is tough to write about. I have been trying to make sure I got a post here everyday. I have been trying to stick with a pattern of past/present. But that isn’t necessarily going to be the way it continues. Several of my last “past” posts have been super difficult.
I think I need to take a few days and recoup. I need to find a new approach maybe. Gah. I don’t know what I mean. I do know that I do not have a post ready in my mind for tomorrow. So, I am not going to post tomorrow. I hope it will just be a couple days and I can get into a new groove or back into the old groove or something. Anyway, don;t give up on me. I am not throwing in the towel. I am just having a tough spot.
Thanks a lot.
See you soon.