Our next thing is Halloween. I am tired of Halloween. My kids enjoy dressing up and trick-or-treating and they love carving pumpkins and decorating the front porch. But I am over it. Too much mess with jack-o-lanterns. Too much stuff to drag out and put away with decorating outside. Too much money spent on costumes. Too much candy. OMG TOO MUCH CANDY. I am just finished. Don’t want to play anymore.
Next month is Thanksgiving. We usually all go to my MIL’s and she makes a turkey and a lot of times my nephew, my sister and her partner come for that one. This year, MIL, hubby and my kids are going to Florida for that week. Our school system has the whole week of Thanksgiving off now. So, they are all going to do Disney and Universal park stuff. I have finals the week after Thanksgiving and classes the week of, so I will be staying home. Alone. Studying and lazing around and reading. Many years ago, we used to go to one of my aunts’ houses for Thanksgiving. I have no idea if they even do that anymore. If they do, it might be familial of me to attend that.
Then, we will have Christmas in December. *sigh* So much money. So much work. But I am still liking Christmas at this point. Two years ago, we had a big family get-together for Christmas at one of my cousins’ houses. At that event, we were all asked to consider hosting a family gathering at our own houses on the next Christmases. I volunteered to do it in 2009. So, technically, I am supposed to have a huge amount of family at my house for Christmas this year. BUT, in March of this year I started this blog. In May, my aunt found it. She objected, strenuously, to some of the content. She is the one who usually handles all the Christmas and Thanksgiving stuff for our clan. Often, she hosts things at her own house. When she doesn’t, she is still involved heavily in getting things done. She was quite angry with me. I have not had any conversation with her since then. I guess I feel intimidated by her. So, I am not positive the family get-together is still at my house. Maybe she changed the plan with everyone else. Maybe she is still angry and will refuse to come even if other people do come. Maybe she will come and be mad at me in person and it will be uncomfortable and unpleasant. Maybe she got over completely and I am paranoid.
One day, I need to grow a spine and learn to stand up for myself and speak up for myself. Hopefully, I can manage that before Christmas rolls around. Then, I can just call her and ask her if everyone will be here and does anyone need directions. In the meantime, I feel squeamish and fluttery when I consider making that call. I can not believe the amount of childhood baggage I am still carrying around. I love my aunt. But deep inside, I remember all the times my mother beat the snot out of me in front of her and she didn’t stop it. And I am still afraid. *sigh*