This past week was/is my spring break from college. I am having a hard time this semester. Classes are much more difficult. I am struggling with my grades and really worried that I am not going to be able to maintain my GPA. I am terrified of making C’s which will very quickly drag my average down a LOT. I was really counting on this week to be a relaxing one for me. I wanted to just vegetate a while and not have to do anything more pressing than laundry and dinner.
I thought I’d browse my own library and get some reading done. School keeps me so occupied. I haven’t read a novel since Christmas vacation. I use reading as an escape. Not just as a fantasy place for me to imagine myself, but as a way to let my brain slip into off-mode. I need that downtime to let myself close down and reset.
Over last weekend, I had the second party weekend in a row at my house. Guests and pressure and stress. I don’t entertain often because I know how poorly I handle it. I am aware of most of my own limitations. I try to keep my life in a place where I am functioning on the highest level possible. I hate spiralling into a darker place. But two parties in such quick succession was a lot.
My mother missed the baby shower I had that first weekend. I didn’t really expect her for the birthday party either. I didn’t fully psyche myself up for her visit at all. Once she arrived, I thought she would be leaving in about 3 days. I think I mentally prepared for that. I was good for the first several days she was here. I had a grip on my emotions and my patience and my temper.
Every single day this week, my husband has worked late at the office. He has not come home before 7pm at all. I have been here all day, every day, with only my mother as adult company. The kids come in at 2:30 and they are loud and rowdy and demanding. Usually, I am okay with that. Usually my husband is home by 6pm and I have support and proper assistance with them. But even on those days, sometimes they stress me near a breaking point.
This week, when they get home, I have already spent several hours alone with my mother. She is a lot. She is wonderful, yes, and I love her, yes, and she never means to upset me, yes. But she is so needy. It is like having a baby or a toddler in the house. She needs me to pay so much attention to her! She needs me to help her get something to eat. She needs me to help keep her entertained. She needs me to listen to so many of her woes. I just wasn’t ready for so much this week. Then when the kids get here, I still have her! I have them, with all their noise and needs, and I have her with her endless chatter and questions and needs of her own. And I have no husband to help. No one to pass either the kids or the mother off to for a break.
Each time I pep talked myself about how much longer I had to careful and together and managed to convince myself I could hold out that much longer, her leaving was delayed. Now, her car is acting up. She is going to call her road service this morning at some point. But, what will they do? Tow her car to a shop. Where it will take time to repair. And she has no money at all to pay for repairs. Her husband has continually not gotten this car repaired properly because of the expense.
I am afraid she will be stranded here. And then what will I do? How long will she be here? How will she get refills for her meds? She says her husband has been working days and days at his new job without having weekends off. So, I am afraid he won’t be able to even come and fetch her. I don’t know how I will cope with an indefinite stay. I am not ready for this. I am not prepared inside for this prolonged amount of stress. And with her here, I am not even blogging much. She is always right there next to me and I have no private moments. I am doing this as the kids get ready for school, before my mother wakes up!
I have already had a lot of stress lately and I didn’t get the relaxing break I was needing and I have to go back to school on Monday and I have a test on Wednesday and I just want to cry and sleep all the time and I can’t do those things because she is my mother and I have to be strong and polite and loving and she isn’t capable of being the parent anymore and I can’t rely on her to pet me and talk me through my trouble when she has so much trouble of her own and I am feeling needy and she is too needy to help me.