So, I was pretty stressed out the last few days. You know, with one thing and another. But I hate being bitchy. I certainly never want to hurt my mother’s feelings. I am more careful of her feelings than I am of my husbands. I know that if I am bitchy to him, he will get over it. He will know that I am just having a bad day and that I love him anyway and don’t mean to be mean or whatever. but not everyone is like that. Not everyone is secure enough in themselves or in their relationship with me to understand that if I am insane, it is just how I am and that it is no way a reflection of how I really feel about them.
I worry that me being freaked out and cranky will make my mother unhappy. She already has guilt and insecurities. She was not the best mom growing up. We had a lot of problems. She was not always loving and caring. I have moved past all that and have tried to tell her many times that I do not have any anger or resentment towards her from childhood. But she is not always convinced of that. She still apologizes every time she visits. She still talks about how she did the best she could and she hates that I had a hard time and that she was mean. But I already know all that. I know that some of the stuff that happened when I was growing up has made me a bit odd. Maybe even a little crazy and probably in need of therapy. But I do okay. And I do not hold it against her. No one is perfect. It was a long time ago,she had her own rough childhood to overcome. Mine was certainly not as bad as hers.
But when she is here and I reach a stress point, I worry. If I bitch too much or let my anger and anxiety show, she will take it personally. She takes everything personally. But my edginess is not her fault. I am always at risk for a minor meltdown. When she is here, yes, it contributes. But my own kids are here every single day and that contributes too. My husband is not always here as much as I need him and that contributes too. I am a college student and that adds to it. It isn’t even about her, she just happens to be one of the factors. One of many many factors. I think the effort to not upset her actually makes her being here harder. If I felt comfortable venting and ranting in her presence, then it would be easier. I could blow off a little steam. But she would feel like it was a personal attack. Like I didn’t love her. Like she was a bad parent still. And none of that is what I would be wanting to convey. Even blogging about how stressed I was when she was here makes me feel bad. I feel guilty because it could be construed as her being the problem.
But I know that I am really the problem. I have a low threshold for shit. She is always welcome here. I love her. I will always love her. No matter how nutsy she or I act. The very act of bitching in a blog post about the past week makes me feel bad. I don’t want anyone to get the wrong impression. One of the main issues for me when she is here is that I can not feel comfortable acting naturally. I feel like I have to be extra careful of her. If I could have my little meltdown without her feeling like it was a personal attack on her, then it would be less stressful. Having to hold it in and not hurt her is at least half the stress right there. She is always afraid that I don’t love her. That I don’t forgive her. That I don’t want her around. It makes me have to be very careful with her. And that keeps me on edge. Having to watch what I say and how I say it. Having to try and balance my own irritability with her delicacy. It just wears me out.
My sister talked to her this morning. She seemed fine. One of her sisters was going to come and fetch her from her in-laws and let her stay with her. Unfortunately, it is the one sister of my mother’s that doesn’t like me much. She is unhappy with me blogging and mentioning family members and things they may have done or things they did do or things they didn’t do or whatever. Because it is not your business. Anyway, it means that I am not very likely to phone there. But at least she seems not to have been concussed in the car accident. I hope she has a pleasant visit with her sister and that she gets to go home soon.
My little kids slept over at Nana’s last night. Aside from the stress of not knowing where my mother was and then worrying about her having had an accident, I had a much more relaxed evening. And this morning has been blissfully stress-free. All that trauma and drama for days on end and it only took one day to recover. But I feel great today.
Thanks for listening to all my griping 🙂