Last night I took the pills, I slept the sleep, I thought I had it all down. I got up this morning and got the kids off to school. Then, I fell asleep. I slept until 1:30. WTF? I slept at least 6 hours in the night, then I slept an additional 6 hours during the day? Who needs to sleep that much?
I was so far behind on house things I missed class this evening. I didn’t even realize it was time for school until it was almost 6pm. I had only just finished getting all the homework stuff done with the kids. If I leave home at 6pm, I am late for class. I had not cooked dinner yet. I decided to blow it off. I don’t want to sound complacent, but I do have an A average in this class. So, I am hoping it won’t hurt much to miss this one. I have missed quite a few.
I didn’t do any of the errands I needed to do today. I have a chore I have to do online that I will do tonight after the kids go to bed. I have prep work to do tonight so that I can run my next post office errand tomorrow. The other errand I need to do will have to be done early tomorrow too.
I have a problem. I have a half-sister. She lives in Louisiana. She has a fiance who lives in Virginia, he is in the military. Our family is based here in GA, even though a few of us live far away and have for a long time. She decided to get married here in GA. She was born in 1982. Just short of 10 years from when my brother died. She has chosen my brother’s birthdate for her wedding. On purpose, not by accident. She is getting married on Friday evening, at 5:30pm in Athens. Athens is 2 hours from me on a good day. Friday at rush hour time is not a good day. I keep vacillating about this. I thought I would just take the kids and go. I would have to check them out from school in order to make it. But since my daughter has been absent so much this fall, I changed my mind about taking them out of school for a wedding. Especially since it is her second wedding and they did go to her first. I have also considered not going at all. It is going to be a pain in the ass to get there. I have had to arrange with my mother in law for her to be here when the kids get off the bus. I don’t have a clue what to wear. I feel fat and dumpy and unlovely. And the fact that it is my dead brother’s birthday is a contentious point.
She asked if it would bother me. I told her it would. But also told her that it was her wedding, not mine. I would never have asked anyone else if my wedding date was okay with them. If they didn’t like it, they could just skip it. Fuck’em. But I don’t think she feels that way. I think she feels that I should come anyway. I know she feels that I should come anyway. But I am more and more bothered by the date the closer it gets. Now that it is tomorrow, I am practically paralyzed over it.
And my father is in town from LA to be at the wedding. I haven’t seen him since he almost died last year. Two weeks ago he had a seizure of some kind. It may have also included a minor stroke. I am not sure. He was hospitalized for a week. He has only been home for a week and now he has made the tremendous effort to travel to GA for this wedding. I am not very close with him. I have a lot of leftover childhood issues. I love him. I don’t like him. All of my memories of him are colored by drunkenness and pot smoking. Seeing a drug deal everyday of every weekend we spent with him had more of a lasting impression than I thought it would. I just don’t know. I feel very conflicted about him. I feel like I should really make an effort to see him and have him see the kids. I mean, he is old and decrepit and sickly. But he has never been a real dad kind of person. He has never had any real interest in any of my children. He has never been affectionate or fun or loving. I know he has loving feelings toward us, but he is so stunted and broken himself, that he has never been able to express those in a way that was positive and reinforcing.
God, some days it just sucks to be me. I am so torn over whether to go to this wedding, which is TOMORROW! I should have made my mind up months ago. I should have blogged about this before and gotten some of this out there and open to opinion. But my half-sister reads my blog sometimes. I don’t want to hurt her feelings. I know she isn’t getting married tomorrow to hurt my feelings. I feel she is a bit short-sighted and maybe selfish for choosing that date to make the focus all about her. But once tomorrow is over, and the wedding is done, I will almost certainly not think of that date as her wedding anniversary anyway. I seldom think of anybody’s wedding anniversary. I shouldn’t be making her wedding choice all about me either. And to boycott the wedding based on the date would be trying to make it all about me. I am so indecisive.
So, there you have it. I slept. But I missed school. I have a wedding and I may or may not go. Even though it is less than 24 hours until vow time, I still don’t know what to do.