Committing to blogging is still too hard.
My depression is still too deep.
My social anxiety is still too smothering.
I went to Dragon*Con, but ended up spending 75% of it in a hotel room instead of doing Con stuff. I sat through 3 or 4 entire panels. I left at least 3 part way through. And I copped out and failed to attend about 20 that I had in my planner.
Then, once the Con as over, I was sick. I had Con Crud and Laryngitis. I had to email in sick instead of going to my 3rd library work day. Then, once I was well and able to talk, I had a migraine and insomnia the night before my 4th scheduled library work day and I emailed in sick again. The 5th scheduled day, the kids had a doctor appt and I didn’t go to the library and I fell asleep and missed the kid’s appt too!
So, I had my name removed from the schedule. I was assured that I could be added back when I got myself in gear enough to actually show up.
I was supposed to go in January for my yearly gyno appt. I didn’t. I still haven’t yet. I get my anti-depressant from him and I am almost out now. He won’t refill it over the phone. So, I am forced to get my ass in and see the doctor. I finally made an appt and I am going on Monday sept 30 at 11am. At the very least, it will keep me from running out of pills. I HATE HATE HATE going to any doctor, but especially the gyno with their speculum and swabs and slides and pincers.
My state of mind since my father died has deteriorated. Since my mother died, it has gotten worse faster. I am nearly crippled with depression and anxiety. In an effort to become a functioning human again, I have scheduled an appt to see a psychologist. The appt is Tues October 1st at 11am. I am very much not looking forward to having to discuss my life and family issues with anyone. The main reason for starting this blog several years ago was so I could get my issues out of my head without having to actually talk to a therapist. I honestly feel that the first year or two of doing this helped. But the last 18 months or so in particular have not helped. I have blogged way too little for the amount of crap inside of me. The stuff isn’t getting out of my head and being set free into the mysterious near-anonymous interwebs. It is all staying cooped up inside and rotting away at my functionality. So, an actual human being is apparently the answer.
Wish me luck.