my sleep is all f***ed up

I am still not doing as well as I feel I should be following the loss of my father. I am not quite as bad now as before, but it is still affecting me every day.

I am wide awake right now. It is past 2 AM. I have been wide awake in the night almost every night for several weeks now. I sleep during the day sometimes, which helps, but is all wrong. Even when I do manage to sleep at night, I end up napping for 4 to 6 hours in the day as well. I am sleeping way too much. I can tell from the aches in my body from lying in bed too long. I can tell from the foggy, cottony feel of my headaches. I can tell by the headaches that I am having almost daily. But when I want to sleep, I can’t. So I fall asleep when my body tells me to and I sleep too long. Then I am awake at the wrong time, until I fall asleep again, too soon after having woken up. I haven’t been awake for more than 12 hours in a row for more days than I can recall. And a lot of times, it has been less than 10. Long naps broken by short “days” and it is all making me crazy.

Except that I am crazy already. I can barely force myself to cook. Actually, most days, I can’t force myself to cook. We have eaten out a lot. Well, it has mostly been something brought in rather than us leaving the house. I have been hard pressed to leave the house, too. We’ve had Taco Bell and Beetles Bbq and Chick-fil-a and pizza. I did go out to the grocer today, finally. I bought stuff that is quick and easy to make like pasta and jarred sauce and frozen things the kids can cook for themselves. Preparing food is just too much to deal with right now.

And I fell behind at school! I was supposed to turn my portion of the group project in to the group organizer, to be melded into the presentation, on Wednesday last week. But I turned it in a few hours ago. A whole week late. I have a test to do this weekend. It is a do-it-at-home and turn-it-in-on-the-internet kind of test. I haven’t even read the material for it yet.

My diet has been blown. I am supposed to “track” everything I eat. WW assigns a point value to everything. I am tasked with writing down every food and drink that I consume and adding up the point values each day. I have a specific point value that I am not to exceed in order to lose weight. I didn’t write any foods down at all from the time my father died until this past Friday. I have gained weight since the death. I have been writing it all down since my last WW visit, but my points have been up past my limit every single day. I can barely get a handle on the cravings. I want to snack all the time. I don’t want any fruits or vegetables, I only want junk. Cream horns and Triscuits and ice cream sandwiches and just every not healthy thing I come across. Plus, I have barely been drinking any water. I have gotten maybe one liter a day in, whereas I used to get 3 or 4 a day.

My sleep schedule and inability to leave the house has interfered with co-op, too. I have only been one time since my father died! I have a friend who brought me a basket one of the times I didn’t go. But the other times, I have not even gotten fresh produce for the week. I need to get back into going every week. I need to have fresh produce in the house to feed the kids and myself. But, peeling an orange has seemed like way too much work to bother with lately. So, fresh stuff would probably go bad if I had it.

I am not in complete prostration though. I am keeping up with the laundry. I am bathing pretty regularly. I am making sure I am awake every morning enough to get the kids on their buses. But most everything else has fallen to the wayside. I bought a mascara and some nail polish. I thought, maybe if I tried to look better, I would feel better. but it hasn’t really worked. The polish keeps chipping and looking awful. I have painted my nails 4 times since the beginning of the month. And yet, it looks terrible right now and needs redoing, again. I put on eyeshadow and mascara and lipstick like 3 or 4 times too. I usually only wear any makeup once a year or so. But I hated washing it off. I might need a proper eye makeup remover or something. But, I am trying to do better. To feel better. To be better.

So, there you have it.

grief

I have resented my parents for several years. I tried to not let it show to them. I never wanted to hurt their feelings or anything. But I think they knew.

My father died.

I am still struggling with that. I feel so guilty. I didn’t call enough. I didn’t show enough affection. I didn’t do enough. I spent quite a few years angry at him. And I am sure he knew that. But I did try to make it go away. I went out to Louisiana several times in the last five years. I took my kids there. I stayed in his home and sat with him and talked with him every day for a week at the time. I did that two or three times. I tried to gloss over my own issues and just be open to him as a person. I tried to forgive all the things I was angry about.

He was not a very textbook parent. He honestly believed that if he paid for what we wanted and needed then he was being a really good parent. And he did pay for stuff. But every time he did, he never let you forget. It always made me feel like I was a burden instead of like he wanted to do it. And I resented feeling that way. I wanted him to pay for things because he wanted to, not because he wanted me to know he had done it. And as an adult, I tried very hard to never have to ask him for anything. I didn’t want to be the child who he always had to keep helping. I wanted him to think I could manage on my own.

He did a lot of drinking and stuff in front of me, too. For a long time, I was angry about that. I hated that he drank everyday. I hated that he let something control him like that. I hated that he did it in front of me. I hated that he asked me to get him a drink from the kitchen. I hated that he couldn’t even visit my house without bringing alcohol with him. Later, I realized that he drank because he had to. He had a lot of demons inside. He drank to keep them quiet. But it never stopped hurting me. And I think I was never able to hide that hurt from him.

I was not a good daughter. I let my anger and resentment stand between us for too long. Even when I visited him and made peace within myself, I still wasn’t a good daughter. I didn’t call. I didn’t write. I did finally understand that he meant to be a good parent, he just didn’t really know how to be much more than a provider. So he provided. And he didn’t want to be an alcoholic, but he wanted therapy even less. He didn’t want to go to a therapist and expose all of his inner pains and doubts and fears. He drank to keep himself as sane as he could. I understand that. I avoid therapy myself, and I live day-to-day as best I can by taking an anti-depressant everyday. And I never had to go to war. My inner demons are nothing compared to his.

But I let my own life struggles stand in my way. I didn’t call because I didn’t want to talk to him when he’d been drinking. And he drank every single day. I didn’t call because it was too hard to admit to my own failures on the phone. I couldn’t stand to tell him that I hadn’t taken my pajamas off in three days. I couldn’t tell him that I my kids were doing fine, going to school and making good grades, but I hadn’t showered all week and we’d been eating boxed stuff and pizza because I couldn’t get a handle on my depression enough to actually cook anything. I didn’t want him to know how hard it is for me. I wanted him to think that I had grown up and done well. I wanted him to believe that I was independent and not needy. He could be proud of independent.

I am really having a hard time with his death. I loved him. But I am not sure that he knew that. He knew I hated the drinking. And I think he thought that I never understood that he did it because he had to. I think he didn’t know that I could love him and still not love the alcoholism. I think he may have thought I was ashamed or embarrassed of him. But I wasn’t.

I liked him. He was funny and caring and generous. When I think of him, I remember how much he used to laugh. And it makes me sad. I feel a hollow ache inside. I miss him. I didn’t talk to him often, so why do I miss him so much? It’s been a bit over four weeks. I haven’t been able to cry. I feel the tightness in my throat. I feel the stinging and burning behind my eyes, but the tears never come. I can’t sleep. I have headaches every day. I don’t know what to do with myself. I don’t know what to do about this weird pain in my chest all the time. I am horrified that he died thinking he was unloved or unwanted. I hate that I could have made him feel that way.

I feel like this hasn’t nearly conveyed how I feel. My thoughts aren’t organized at all. I am not finding the right words or the right combination of words to explain. This is so much bigger than I ever thought it would be. I knew he was older and not particularly well. So I had hypothesized about him possibly dying. And I thought I knew how I would feel and how it would affect me. And I was wrong. I was so wrong and I can’t do anything about it.

a meme from livejournal

Over on LJ, my friend Haldoor put up this meme on her journal. I decided to play along. Here’s the rules:

Comment to this post letting me know you want to participate, and I will list seven things I want you to talk about. They might make sense or they might be totally random.
Then post that list, with your commentary, to your journal. Other people can get lists from you, and the meme merrily perpetuates itself.

And these are the seven questions she asked me:

1. Of all the fandoms you’ve visisted, do you have a favourite, and why?

I think my very favorite is Sherlock Holmes. I adore X-Files, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Star Trek, and Harry Potter. I had a lot of fun reading RPS of ST people and LotR folks. But, Sherlock Holmes covers a multitude of things and still remains fresh and exciting to me. With the advent of the new BBC series, it is even more awesome for bringing it all to the present. I love historical settings more than anything, and for most fandoms historical settings have to be AU. I don’t know. Am I being coherent? Sherlock Holmes, in all its forms and settings, that is my very favorite.

 
2. Tell me about your favourite local place to eat: why is it so good and what’s your favourite thing on the menu?

It’s kind of funny, but my favorite local place is a British tavern. It’s about 20 minutes drive from my house. It’s called The Rose and Crown. They have shepherd’s pie on the menu. Awesome, delicious, hearty shepherd’s pie. Made with minced lamb. It’s the only way I like lamb; in shepherd’s pie, paired with the carrots and potatoes and yummy thick gravy. Hmmm. I just ate there on Feb 24^th, but I may need to go again soon…

 
3. When you finish your current studies, what do you hope to do? Is there a job you’d like to get, you want to study something else, or even if you just want time to stay home and chill; tell me about it.

Ideally, I would like to work in a library. I would like to arrange and organize the books. I would like to help people find awesome books to read that they hadn’t thought of before. I would like to show them how to look stuff up in the reference section instead of on the Internet. I love the touch and feel and smell of books. I could maybe be happy doing the same sort of thing in a bookstore. But, honestly? I am probably never going to do it. I would have to be able to get up and be someplace every freaking day. I would have to wake up and shower and dress and maybe do hair and makeup. I would not be able to lie back down for a nap. I would not be able to go in a little later if I felt down when I woke. I would not be able to stop and go home when I got tired. Or when my back started aching or my knee started acting up. I would have to do what someone else old me to, all day long. I would have to follow someone else’s directions and deal with their petty power struggles and workplace politics. I would have to bite my tongue and curb my impulses. I am a stay at home mom. I have been since 1994. I am the master of all I see, every single day. I decide what to do and when to do it. I can do nothing at all if I am depressed and need to just nap. I can go three or four or five days without showering or leaving the house or even changing out of my pajamas if life is overwhelming. I think I am too broken to hold down a real job.

 

4. When you were young, did you have a favourite tv show or movie that you wished yourself into? What was it?

I wish I had something trendy and hip to say here. Something that was all pop-culture and cool. But when I watched tv as a kid, it was always mindless sitcom entertainment that was geared to keep my younger sister content so she’d be less trouble to take care of while my mother was out. I guess I used books as my fantasy escape hatch. I loved to read and reread A Wrinkle in Time. Poor Meg and Charles Wallace! And sweet awkward Calvin. I wanted to go on an awesome adventure where I could be the hero using just my brain and my heart. I was also obsessed for a while with mysteries. I wanted to be Nancy Drew! She only had one parent, but he was never around and yet he still seemed to support her in everything she did. She had two super close wonderful friends and a boyfriend who was there when he was needed, but not hanging out being all boyfriendy when he wasn’t. I can’t explain it. I read all the time. I read everything. I wanted to escape into every single book I read. I did escape into them. I devoured them and then tossed them to the side and moved into the next one. I mentioned before that we moved all the time? Every single school year, often in the middle of it. I had to make new friends and adjust to a new place so often that I never really learned to be a long-term kind of person. And I did that with books too. I sucked them up and lived inside them and felt them as fully and completely as an emotionally crippled kid could. And then, I dropped them like a hot potato and picked my new best friend from the top of the pile.

 
5. Tell me about your first experience reading a slash story; how did you feel about it? Were you shocked with your reaction, or did it immediately make you seek more? What led you to that story initially?

The first slash story I read was actually a threesome. I was a die-hard Buffy/Spike fan and that led me to branch into Buffy/Spike/Angel. I didn’t really like Angel, but his interactions with Spike were very different than the Buffy/Spike dynamic. So, after a few of those, I read some that were Spike/Angel. I didn’t care about the sex, it was the complexity of the relationship that drew me. When I started reading Harry Potter, I was bored to tears with Hermione. I looked for and enjoyed most the male pairings. I started with the kids and then branched into the adults. My favorite was Lupin/Snape. The love/hate emotional tangle, the guilt complexes on both sides, the concept of trying to rekindle something from their youth, the struggle for them to overcome their adversities and find each other in a middle place, and the ultimate inevitable failure; god, it was all so wonderful! I know that isn’t exactly an answer like you asked for. I guess what I am trying to say is that I stumbled on a male/male/female genre and found that the male/male part of it was so much meatier and more fascinating that I eventually gave up on reading anything with females at all. But, weirdly enough, it isn’t exactly about the sex. I love the sex, I love the porny stuff, it is awesome; but the differences in the way two men interact is so much better to me than the way a man and woman interact.

 
6. What are you most proud of?

I am proud of my children. They are so clever. I am so lucky to have kids who are smart. I try to encourage them, but they hate to listen to me. Parenting is not my best feature. But, they are kind and loving people. They are friendly and outgoing. They aren’t noticeably neurotic. They never flinch away when I walk past them. They don’t have to cook their own dinner or be responsible for each other’s homework. They are children still too. I am overprotective, I know that. But I like for my kids to be more carefree and easy while they are young. There is plenty of strife and responsibility coming their way as adults. No need to rush it.

 
7. Sausages or frankfurters?

Sausages all the way. I love kielbasa and bratwurst and knockwurst and Italian sausage and andouille and chorizo and breakfast sausage and those weird pickled-in-vinegar sausages that we have in the southeast US at convenience stores and gas stations. And probably loads of others. There are likely to be hundreds that I haven’t tried, but I am almost always game for a new one!

 

I almost never eat hot dogs, which is what we call them in the US. They are very very mild “sausages” about as big around as a thumb and about six inches long. They come sold in packs sized anywhere from 6 to 10 each. Most people here warm them on the grill and put them in a sandwich bun shaped like the hot dog and pre-split. Then you can add ketchup, mustard, mayonnaise, pickle relish, sauerkraut, or whatever as condiments.

 

YOUR TURN!

co-op February 28, 2012

I missed co-op the past two weeks. I had no veggies or fruits left in the house. We have eaten out  a lot lately. I am not ready to talk about life yet. So, this is all you get for now. Sorry. I don’t know which were in the basket and which were in the extras bag, so I’ll just list them all:

15 red potatoes
14 bananas
8 kiwifruit
7 small apples
6 naval oranges
4 sweet potatoes
4 zucchini
4 pieces fresh ginger
3 bosc pears
3 red peppers
3 yellow onions
2 lbs carrots
2 purple onions
2 heads ruffly green hydroponic lettuce
1 bunch broccoli
1 mango
1 head hydroponic romaine
1 head garlic
1 clutch green onion
1 head bok choy

So, a LOT of food. I worked this morning for a little over 2 hours and this is the amount of food I was paid for my labor. I think it is a very fair deal.

My life has been hectic and stressful the last two weeks. I am still trying to straighten it all out in my head so I can write about it. Some stuff I am not going to be able to write about, but there is a plenty left when I subtract those parts. Hopefully in a day or two.

 

so, this happened

Saturday morning, February 11th,  my father died.

My life has been chaotic and surreal since. I am still in a daze and trying to be a grown up about everything.

The viewing of the body is today from 3 to 5pm in Shreveport Loiusiana. My step-mother has chosen to do the service here as well. The funeral itself is Wednesday at noon at Rose-Neath South.

I don’t know. I am just going through the motions and breathing enough to get from morning to evening, day to day for now.

good weight news :)

I had my yearly girly appointment at the doctor early this week. I was surprised to look back at my weight when I went last year. I weighed 196 lbs! This year, I weigh only 176 lbs! I thought it was kind of cool that the doctor keeps track of my weight. Plus, even though I have only lost 12 lbs in 16 weeks on weight watchers, I had apparently lost 8 lbs before I started. So, over all I am down 20 lbs in 12 months.

I went to co-op today. I am not enjoying it as much as I used to. The assembly line set up is less conducive to conversation and socialization. It is more efficient, which is good for the people who run it, but less fun for the people who do it. I can’t remember exactly how it all panned out, which was basket and which was extras, but this is what I brought home:

2 heads of cauliflower
1 bunch of broccoli
1 onion
9 navel oranges
5 braeburn apples
4 bunches of spinach
1 bunch of organic kale
18 bananas
8 kiwifruit
1 pineapple
1 head of hydroponic lettuce
2 cucumbers
5 tomatoes
18 red potatoes
1 bunch of asparagus

I know that I had cabbage, parsley, and at least 4 more onions that I traded away for some of that spinach and a few of those oranges. I didn’t go in to work last week, but did get a basket. I can’t remember at all what was in it except a half pint of blueberries, which I ate all in one sitting.

I have had class twice. I go for the third one tomorrow. My genocide assignment is Pol Pot of Cambodia. I am in a group with 6 people that I don’t know. Plus, all I know about Pol Pot, I learned from an Eddie Izzard comedy skit. I have my first test this weekend! She said it is online, 5 essay questions, will be available from late Friday afternoon until Sunday evening. SO, I have plenty of time to type up decent answers and edit them and all that before I turn it in.

Hopefully, I can post again soon. My life is fairly uneventful, so I can’t always think of things to talk about. I want to take a few pictures and post them and talk about the crocheting a bit. I will try to do that amidst doing my exam this weekend.

not fabulous

I don’t know. I am just down. I did get my period on Friday and maybe that is why I was whiny last week and this week. I hate to fall back on the old “time-of-the-month” business as an excuse, but I just don’t have anything else pressing right now.

My middle son has now seen the therapist twice. She seems to think he just needs some behavior modification stuff. She is going to see him one more time and then see me and give me her feedback and suggestions. She is also going to talk to his school.

My teenager finished his first week of college! He came home over the weekend and spent one night with us. He isn’t having any problems yet. Thank goodness!

I had my first week of class as well. Since mine is only one day, although 3 hours long, there wasn’t a lot to be concerned about, the teacher is a great lecturer and very entertaining too. My grade will be 80% from 4 exams and 20% from a group presentation on genocide. She will assign our groups and our genocide, so I am worried about that. Are all genocides good to present on? Are some better than others? I know that some are better known than others.. Plus, the group grade is given to each member. I hate doing group stuff. And I hate relying on other people for my grade. And I hate doing presentations! I am full of negativity about this assignment. I will get more information on it this Friday I believe.

I went to co-op last week on Thursday, but I don’t feel like bothering with that right now. I got some food. Nothing special, just produce. Some weeks I feel more excitement about it than others. I am going again tomorrow, Thursday again. I didn’t go on Tuesday this week. There is anew assembly line way of sorting baskets and it takes fewer people and less time. I am not going to be needed twice a week at all. I may not even be needed once every week. If I only go every other week to sort, I am only going to get a basket those weeks too.

I am making sure I do laundry and dishes every day. I am trying to make sure I cook dinner every day. Household chores are boring. I haven’t been seeing my sister lately. I went to a couple of movies with my husband. Contraband and The Iron Lady. I was interested in seeing both, but not really in a mood for the theater. I wish we had waited and seen them on dvd or something. I am over the theater, I saw 26 movies in the theater last year. I want a break from it!

We are flat broke too. But hubby never agrees to not spend the money he wants to spend. So we saw movies instead of waiting and now I have to scrimp and freak out about paying our car tax.

I don’t know. I just feel like I am underneath everything. I want to be on top. Our finances are always tight after Christmas. Things will be better in March or April. They always are.

Oh! I am crocheting though. I am not doing anything fancy. just a basic sort of single or double stitch.  I have made 4 scarves and a hat. A beret type hat, not a beanie type. And a neck warmer. And I am working on a round baby blanket now. If anyone is actually interested, I can try to post pics. But, they are all pretty basic.  I do find the work calming and a little mindless. I can focus for a while on just making the stitches even and not tangling my yarn. It seems like a good way to pass the time. I do it a lot while watching stuff on tv with my husband. He has a lot more tv interests than me. Plus, lately, we watch a lot off movies on tv. I am not all that interested in some of them. And, I have a hard time with movies on tv. They usually do not occupy all of my attention. I need something else to do anyway. I have always surfed the net or read stories on my laptop while watching. This crocheting is a more productive use of that time, maybe.

My Christmas stuff is still all in the house and not in the basement. I need to do something about that, but I am not motivated to bother. I need to vacuum. I need to mop. I need to clean the showers. I need to exercise. Speaking of which, I was down another pound at weight watchers last week. Hopefully, I can be down another this week.

Keeping my fingers crossed.